‘Deal or No Deal Island’ Recap: Season Two, Episode 8

We’ve seen a lot of strategy meltdowns on Deal or No Deal Island, but this week is downright embarrassing. In fact, I’m not sure how anyone who is not Parvati and David will ever show their face in public again. We all knew that the Survivor legends would (probably) eat their competition alive, but I never imagined the normies would make it so easy. They might as well spend the remaining excursions sitting on the beach roasting marshmallows because the results would be about the same.

David and Parv kicked off the season cackling about how they’d gobble up their competition “like little gummy bears,” and this week, they rightly dubbed themselves the game’s “king and queen.” Their competitors are running scared — especially Lete, who has controlled the game for three weeks in a row and still lost half her allies.

Dr. Will Kirby’s exit last week didn’t have to be a nail in Lete’s coffin, but her gameplay this week was nothing short of catastrophic — and sadly, the same can be said for her only remaining ally, Phillip. I’d say that these two need to get their shit together if they want to remain in this game, but even that might be too optimistic. From where I’m sitting, they’re already toast.

Lete knows the numbers are not on her side, so this week, she wisely started sucking up to Dickson — whose alliance with David and Parvati might take him to the end despite his own lackluster performance. Phillip, meanwhile, has decided to make deliciously petty soundbites a cornerstone of his gameplay. There was that Harriet Tubman burn from a while back, and this week, he decided to extend an olive branch to Parvati (who pissed him off last week by comparing Dr. Will to his high school bullies) only to basically tell her to go kick rocks in flip flops. The comments were “low and gross,” he tells her, and it scared him that she didn’t realize she’d crossed a line.

I’m sorry, but are we watching a reality competition show or an episode of Full House? Of course players are going to fight dirty. I also struggle to believe that Phillip was that rattled by a throwaway comment made by someone he already knew to be a bit of a snake. The sanctimonious routine where he told Parvati, “I hope that this can be a point of reflection for so many people that look up to you because I was one of them,” before dramatically getting up and walking away felt … a bit absurd. It’s one thing to decide someone’s an untrustworthy manipulator, but why tell her that to her face? Just let her think you’re cool and then stab her in the back! You know, like a game player. Instead, Phil painted a big red target on his back right before the excursion.

Once again, this week’s challenge sent players on a long, grueling hike. At each stopping point, players had to select a few among their ranks to leave behind. Supposedly, they’d do so based on who was best suited to the scary tasks ahead, but more often, everyone booted each other based on who they did (and did not) want to grant safety.

As our host Joe Manganiello explained, whoever made it to the end would win safety from both the banker and elimination — and whoever brought back the highest case got to decide which poor, unfortunate soul would face the banker. This is where everything started to unravel for everyone not on Team Family.

The first cut was somewhat predictable: Parvati and C.K. pushed to ditch Lete first. Parvati knows that Lete has won the past few challenges and is gunning for her allies, and C.K. hates her. Only Dickson stood up for his new ally, pointing out that Lete had repeatedly proved herself during challenges. Sadly, it was not enough to keep her in the game — so in a heroic act of solidarity, Dickson volunteered to stay behind as well. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever really liked Dickson, which makes what happened next all the more tragic.

The first supposedly scary obstacle on this trail was laughable. Maybe this is my inner Floridian talking, but who the hell is afraid of a pit of iguanas? The answer, apparently, would be Phil. You’d think he was Indiana Jones in a pit of asps the way he was shaking. How anyone could be so frightened by an animal most famous for falling out of trees when the weather gets too cold will forever be beyond me, but hey, I guess not all of us are Fear Factor material. Meanwhile, the iguanas were chilling, and so was everyone else as they retrieved their briefcases from the enclosure. Good for them.

Ahead of the next challenge, Parvati exacted her vengeance for Phil’s ill-advised lecture and got him benched with Lete and Dickson. C.K. also got the boot, which is not very surprising considering she’s been persona non grata for weeks. But here’s where things got interesting: Manganiello offered the benchwarmers a secret deal. Three of them could agree to throw the fourth under the bus, alongside whoever was going to join them next, in exchange for safety from the banker.

Here’s where Lete decided to set her game on fire. Without missing a beat, she asked Dickson if he’d be willing to face the banker, given that he’d already volunteered to take the lowest case. Like, WHAT? In gaming terms, this is like asking someone who already volunteered to eat shit for you — shit they did not even have to eat! — to add a couple more turds to their plate. It’s horrific etiquette, especially given that she asked him this in front of the rest of the group. Naturally, everyone got very excited about the Dickson-eating-shit idea, and before he could object further, they voted him in for the job.

But think about it: Who the hell does this help? Now, Lete’s only real alliance apart from Phil is dead in the water. Where can she go from here? C.K. hates her guts and loves to hold a grudge, and La Shell is far from a power player. Worst of all, the dream of driving a wedge between Dickson and his “Family” is now lost.

As if this stunning display of incompetence was not enough, La Shell — the only non-Family player left on the hike — let David and Parvati finish the hike without a fight. This gave them not only automatic immunity but also the power to choose who faced the banker. Gee, I wonder who they’d pick between her and Dickson!

David could not stop repeating how amazed he was that no one put up a fight, and frankly, I have to agree. Are these regular people really so ignorant as to how these games work? Have they not done the math and realized that next week, this competition will be down to six people, making an alliance of three incredibly lethal? At the risk of sounding like my high school dance coach, we desperately need to see some ORGANIZATION on this island.

Naturally, David and Parvati finished their challenge — hauling themselves across a highwire high over the ocean — just in time. Parvati had the highest case and had to decide between La Shell and Dickson, which would be easier if she hadn’t made a deal to protect La Shell in exchange for getting to finish the hike. What’s a serial backstabber to do?

Funnily enough, this ordeal did create a little tension between Parv and Dickson, who just couldn’t understand why she didn’t automatically and unhesitatingly choose La Shell. But this, too, exposes how short-sighted non-gamers can be. If Dickson thought even one step ahead, he’d realize that La Shell would likely send him home if she beat the banker. Parvati knew that this decision could make someone vulnerable or give them power, so she was hesitant to stab La Shell in the back and put her allies in the crosshairs. Do any of these people even watch reality TV?

We all knew Parvati would choose La Shell, though, and sadly, everyone’s fear that we’re due for a bad deal after several weeks of good ones was correct. Even here, La Shell’s gameplay left something to be desired. After a modestly good first and second round, she took the banker’s Round Three offer of $1.55 million — a great move for the team but an obviously risky one for herself, given that it left her with 2:1 odds of making a bad deal with $.01, $1.75 million, and $2.5 million still on the board. Although the banker increased the offer amount from Round Two, her odds actually fell from 50:50, which made her choice to accept the deal even more baffling. Why not open just one more case and improve her odds, even if the offer decreased? Silly! It’s all just so silly!

Even more ridiculous? With La Shell gone, only Phillip, Lete, and C.K. remain to fight the “Family” — and within that group, only Lete and Phillip really like each other. Hopefully, these players wake up and realize that this is not high school. They don’t have to like one another; they just need to recognize that right now, working together is their only shot at survival.

See you all next week!